Swimming Against the Current

"... as a child I knew that life was all good and that life was nothing but a beautiful river that would flow and never stop flowing. But no matter the size of the river there are always riptides or jagged angles to it."

I was born on May 20th, 2005, a great day to have a birthday. The cold harsh winter weather that we usually have in Canada that seems to last all year disappears and on this very month the sun shines and the heat is just right. In person people may think of me as a twig because of my body type, some people may think that I’m the “quiet kid”. This statement makes me feel that I’m no better than any other ordinary person, which I’m not, but being a quiet kid means there are some layers to this onion. A very vivid memory of my childhood was going to school and making friends which I was very good at, I remember that I had the whole class as friends which was about twelve people at that time. I always had the tendency to be quiet at some points but looking back I see myself as a very self-confident person because as a child I knew that life was all good and that life was nothing but a beautiful river that would flow and never stop flowing. But no matter the size of the river there are always riptides or jagged angles to it.

One day in my elementary school at the end of the day I came home to a surprise that I didn’t know would change my perspective on life, the surprise was that I was moving schools. Now remember that I said that I tend to be quiet at points, well moving schools was just the catalyst in the process of me becoming the quietest I could ever be. To some people you have got to move on which I did but as a child I still wanted that river to flow and have no obstacles but when I got to my teen years, well this river was coming to an end.

"I sometimes gaze in the mirror for a minute or two and ramble to myself about why can’t I just be more open in my life, what happened to young me, where did I go?

I sometimes gaze in the mirror for a minute or two and ramble to myself about why can’t I just be more open in my life, what happened to young me, where did I go? Is he gone forever? Can I ever be the same? The painful truth is that I will never be able to get old me back because, life being a beautiful river has become more of a blinding blizzard where everything appears to you out of nowhere. In this stage of life being a teenager, I have experienced many of the world's gifts that it has to offer but I have also seen what this world is capable of. I worked with my dad in the concrete business and saw what he goes through daily. He is a very hard worker and a great father, but he too is quiet at times and I understand why. It is good to be a deep thinker at times because people like my dad think before they act and doing this leads to less conflict in life but also adds conflict to people like me who only think before they act. For example, if I were to overthink something that could be as easy as saying, “good morning” or “good night” and I don’t proceed to say it, well it can make me feel hollow or an idiot because I have over-thought something that is simple. My dad with his years of experience and being an adult, he knows when he talks business you better state your point as clearly as possible so he thinks before he acts but when he is in his daily routine he speaks with an open mind.

"Being a deep thinking person makes you a great person in society but being a deep thinker all the time makes you lost in an ocean of thoughts where your mind is just a small fishing boat battling the sea"

Being a deep thinking person makes you a great person in society but being a deep thinker all the time makes you lost in an ocean of thoughts where your mind is just a small fishing boat battling the sea to find that one good counter-argument or how to greet a person. Looking at my present self I have seen some improvement but every time I try to say something on the top of my head I freeze. Even though this thought may be good or bad, I can’t speak my mind because something is holding me back, no matter how hard I try to fight this urge, holding back it always wins but with my friends it's a different story.

"Being human, one day I will have to let all my emotions which have been bottled up to be let out in one go to see what kind of person I am or I'm capable of being."

I know how to overcome this mental obstacle but I don’t think I have the strength to do it, I know that I can be the most open minded person ever and that is what I strive to do. I myself one day will need to just explode with emotions to see what kind of person I am. Being human, one day I will have to let all my emotions which have been bottled up to be let out in one go to see what kind of person I am or I'm capable of being.

- November, 2020