Dear Journal

"I remember that right before I was going into grade 7 I had this overwhelming feeling of the unknown."

Today I have been reminiscing about my early years in junior high. Nothing that makes me sad or vexed just how different I was then compared to today. I remember that right before I was going into grade 7 I had this overwhelming feeling of the unknown. I knew we needed to be switching classes, we had different teachers and there were lockers as well. While these things seem so normal now, for a 12-year-old kid that’s some major changes. I had heard about kids getting into fights sometimes and teachers giving kids detentions, in my mind I knew I was not one of those kids, but a big change was ahead of me so I just thought about every possible thing. Just like most kids did.

When I eventually did start junior high, it was exciting, and it was cool meeting all these new people and finding out who my teachers were. I remember first getting my locker and since it was both my first year and the teacher’s I had as well, we did not get to pick lockers beside our friends. Which I was fine with honestly because I was just super excited to get a locker instead of a hook in a classroom. I felt like I was getting more responsibility and gaining a tiny bit of independence. This excitement did eventually fade a bit because now I need to do work and tests.

"Looking back, I now know grade 7 was not a hard grade, but I just remember being stressed about everything."

Looking back, I now know grade 7 was not a hard grade, but I just remember being stressed about everything. I found out that I was lacking basic skills in math like multiplication and long division. I felt a bit alone because all my friends knew this stuff already and I did not know why I did not. I eventually figured out I was never taught it, not sure why but that is what happened. I did learn it eventually and was excelling after that.

"Comparing myself to my friends has never really led to a positive outcome … I felt bad about myself even if there was only a couple [grade] percent difference …"

Comparing myself to my friends has never really led to a positive outcome because I was almost always comparing myself to the friends that got amazing grades through either hard effort or they were just gifted. I felt bad about myself even if there was only a couple percent difference, at the time it felt like a whole change in potential careers because I had this fantasy I was going to become a plastic surgeon, like Mark Sloan from Grey’s Anatomy. As an example, I thought if my grade was any less than an 85 on anything, it could have been a worksheet in math class, I was like: I need a tutor or my whole life will be undetermined and most likely a failure. I was a very dramatic kid, but I think its kind of funny to look back on.

"I am the oldest kid in my family and a lot of kids can relate to the whole strict parent thing because everything you do, and experience is a first for your parents as well."

I am the oldest kid in my family and a lot of kids can relate to the whole strict parent thing because everything you do, and experience is a first for your parents as well. So, they are learning along the way and eventually when they have other kids it will probably be more relaxed which is what my situation was. I might feel a little envious of my siblings at some points and even try to convince my parents they should be treated the same way as I was, but I know that it really does not make a huge difference in the long run and I will probably forget about it either way.

"I have pressure put on by my parents and even grandparents, but I know that they understand my abilities and want me to strive to my fullest potential. Even if that means my path might be longer than others because I need to take a different one to achieve the same goal."

Over the years and looking back at my grades and effort level, I know that I am not brilliant nor am I struggling in school. I have accepted that, and I am totally fine with it because it allows me to make the right decisions for myself and not overextend or inhibit my skills. I am still stressed about my grades and the potential programs I have applied to for university. I have pressure put on by my parents and even grandparents, but I know that they understand my abilities and want me to strive to my fullest potential. Even if that means my path might be longer than others because I need to take a different one to achieve the same goal.

- November, 2020